Fire Walking

Well I have no really good news and I cannot bare to type out the bad.  This has been the worse 3 years. Its not getting any better. I have faith and I beg honestly beg for prayer for Michael and Mike.
So I will not update anymore until I have some good news repeating the bad is to much.  I can tell you this when your kid is very sick even when that kid is grown your world stops and you know suffering like you have never know it before. .  So on that note I will say prayers please ....love sent and huigs my dears send them back my way......

The Story Sad But True

 First I just give you the facts: In the Fall of 2012 I went to the  doctor which what I thought was good health.  I had no medication of any sorts. I discovered I had High blood pressure, diabetes, high chol. I went on a diet took my meds started walking, and things were looking up.  March 11,2013 I had a stroke.  It left me with weakness in my left side. I no longer have the limp or droopy mouth, but I still have problems with my memory, knitting, spelling and typing. While I was in the hospital they could not control my Blood pressure.  I was trying on the phone from my hospital bed to set up appointments for my aging father. He was very ill and his Doctor was not helping him.  (note my mother was blind with dementia and I am an only child)..Less than a month after my stroke dad was in the hospital and we found he had stomach cancer  Mom and dad moved in the house so I could care for them. I do not regret this. Dad had to be put on hospice. He could not bare a nursing home so I moved a hospital bed in my living room, and took care of him.  He died in my arms  October 23 early in the morning. 3 months later I lost my second mom my Aunt Mary then 2 weeks later on Christmas Eve we lost Ky. dad.  Less than a year my mom's heart starts to fail when nothing else can be done she ask to go home from the hospital. Once again I have a parent on hospice. Mom dies with my cheek next to hers May18, 2014.

 While my mom was sick I noticed my husband was not well.  I begged him to go to the Doctor he would not go .  When mom died I got my husband into the Doctor. He had stage 4 colon cancer. We have been fighting this for over a year. I have spent in Barnes Hospital a total of 3 months, sometimes in a cot sometime in the waiting room I did not leave him.  I have learned to change bags of all sorts, give shots, and change wound bandages ,and flush the drain tubes. At one point he had on 7 bags that meant cleaning care ,and flushing, recording, and measuring everything. He was paralized for awhile, and almost died several times.  We have made it this far my the Grace of God.  Next week he has more surgery for his lungs then the 3 round of chemo.  I have been knocked to my knees many times over the past 2 years BUT.

What has about broke me is my son has an inoperable brain tumor. It is vary dangerous where it is.  The Doctors are sending him to Barnes.  The DR. did not even feel he should even bioispy here. So we will not find out for awhile if it is cancer.  Even if it is not, they cannot take it out.  We are in the valley of the unknown now.  We just found out this week.  It is possible I could have a son and husband in surgery at Barnes at the same time.

 I use to pray for those poor people in need and now we are those poor people in need.  Truth when its your kid its the worse helpless feeling in the world hes only 44 with 3 kids and momma can't fix this. I am hitting a new low.  I just feel like nothing matters anymore. It seems everyone I hold the dearest are being taken from me.  I even think sometimes what have I done. I never say why me, but I just don't understand this.  I can't seem to pull myself together anymore, and what difference does anything make anyway.

Yes, I still belive, my faith is strong, but my understanding is gone.

To let you know this as well which I did not mention thinking it was foolish, but a week or so after mom died my 14 year old dog I love beyond what maybe I should have.  He died on my lap.  I am sick of death and bad news. Pray for me please cause my dears I can't hardly pray now. I can still send my love.

Its Going to snow., rain ,sleet ,and be windy. Bring it on.

 Usually my worst nightmare, bad weather and ........appointments usually important ones. Well my peeps the storm is coming and we have no appointments. We do have plenty of meds and food .....and my dears yarn. So bring it on.

Mike is doing fairly well he still has issues with the hook up, but nothing that is not normal.  Its a matter of time till he will get back to normal,  He is getting stronger.  He helped me with the trash and carried some groceries in this week. It just made me so happy to see him getting stronger. Its kind of like a glimpse at normal, Yeah normal.

This week I dropped off hoods for the cancer center. I also finished up my GD's blanket  that nan had started for her.  The border would have been different, but I did not have the yarn I needed and it does look fine in person. Had I had more black I would have made it wider, but honest its a monkey off my back, So very glad I got it done for her.  I thought of mom while making it and sometimes it made me rather melancholy.

I am looking for projects now and enjoying the process.  I am knitting a bib just for a lark.  I can always find homes for bibs. Babies are just cropping up all over....Its Spring I guess.

Well this is my update we are fine and I will call for the next set of appointments tomorrow. So it here we go again.  This should be the last operation.  Hugs my bugs  love sent.

I has a small black border if you can see it.

Things are going good

Mike has been released from his Dr. and we don't have to go back until August.  Now he has to be built up for the lung surgery in March then I believe all the surgeries will be done. And the Dr. things he is responding so well that another set of chemo should do it.  We are still on the journey, but I am seeing a break in the clouds.

Mike was going to get his haircut today by himself at the barber shop. First time in over a year. My DIL has been cutting it for him.  I think he just wanted to be out on his own. Made me so happy.  I am having a few normal days and they are scumpious.

I have been wore out so nothing big going on with me.   I did get me some Carmel vanilla ice cream for Valentines Day.  Yes I am my own sweetheart.  I did have a coupon....only 1/2 cup each day to prolong its yummy life.

Well I am a little shy of news here. Love to all my dears.

Back

 Mike had his surgery and all went well.  It is not a fun time for him but hes doing just fine.  He has only taken one pain pill.

We have another follow up next Tuesday.   Road Trip.

I am slowly crocheting more hoods.  I can't seem to do anything but sit and stare.  Toasted body, mind, and spirit it catches up with you sometimes.  I need a jump start.

Just a short update we are OK.  Never got to see Ann my friend.  I ask about her the day we arrived, but she was not on. Then the day we left I went to the desk and ask to leave her a message and she was there, but we were walking out the door.  I am unlucky.

So heads up buttercups have a great up coming week.

The Best of Times the Worst of Times

 Well be had the CT scan the 7th and the spots are smaller and the large spots are no bigger. This is the new plan: Preop January19, surgery January27 (re hook up),  a month off and surgery on the lungs, a rest then more chemo.  We have been at this for more than a year. This last bit of waiting to see if the smaller spots had spread got me down and out.  I didn't sleep for two days before the appointment. Its like it crashed on me all of it all at once.  We got good news so I am pulling myself up by my boot straps.  Mike just shut down thought I was going to loose him.  He just slept and ate what he wanted.....which was not enough. Hes back on the path and gained 14 lbs. I was raised to just stand up and be that person , and you know it took all I could this round to muster up to forge on.  I have gained so much weight... I cook he doesn't eat it and well I do.  I have got to stop that.

   Thank God I  have prayer and Faith. I have learned alot about about friends and family alike during this time.


Its all about me now.  Hair totally white ...I am loving it. Still knitting and crocheting cancer hats and about everything else that catches my eye.  Been sick, but better now.  Thanks to all that pray for us like I have said this before, but its true its no small thing.  Blessing my Dears