Can you belive all this??????

          Its hard to believe what the past year now going on two has brought all of us.  I often wonder what  my son and husband would say about all this.   My husband  died September 17th 2019 and he was always saying that we should never be without a stockpile of food, water.  We had a supply toilet paper put by long before 2020.    Its like he just knew.  He even had two go bags all prepared.  I never questioned him.  He was still looking out for me after he had passed.

           I  could not crochet, knit or do any handiwork.   It would have helped so much. All during my husband and son's chemo I made countless hats for the cancer center. It has taken me 17 months to pick up my needles.  I am doing hats again.   I have no way to up load pictures.  I have made 6.  Its a start.  It does help.   I never care much for tv and now even less.  I read some, play word games ,and care for my pets.   I am trying to down size and let me tell you it isn't easy. What is precious to you is usually not to your kids. Many things I saved for my kids should have been tossed.  Lesson learned.

          This blogging once again is part of my trying to regain my joy of simple thing that I use to love.  So maybe this is a new start. I need a reason to express myself even if its just for me. Someone stumbles by  below bump.😍

long time

 It's been awhile since I posted. To much has happened to talk about in one sitting as grandma would say. I am alone on the side of the hill. I am not lonely because I feel the presence of my loved ones.

I no longer knit or crochet. I would love to feel the excitement I use to feel on each project. It's just not there. I have so much yarn, and supplies, and no inkling to do anything.   I do read and have a game I play once in awhile. So much has happened that I can't seem to have the joy in things I use to.

I am doing a wonderful Bible study. Reading some historical books. Last but not least I am taking a class on ancient Hebrew.  This class is really eye opening.  I wish I was able to remember everything I am suppose to. I am really enjoying the class.

My animals keep me busy.  I am keeping my grandson's cat it is a maine coon.  What a bruiser. Motley is still my baby and Buddy  the red beagle is my love. I have my son  Michael's cat Bo. So the keep me out of my chair.  Here's asking blessings for you.

                                           Mike( paw) 1949-2019  my loving husband

1971-2017michael

Fire Walking

Well I have no really good news and I cannot bare to type out the bad.  This has been the worse 3 years. Its not getting any better. I have faith and I beg honestly beg for prayer for Michael and Mike.
So I will not update anymore until I have some good news repeating the bad is to much.  I can tell you this when your kid is very sick even when that kid is grown your world stops and you know suffering like you have never know it before. .  So on that note I will say prayers please ....love sent and huigs my dears send them back my way......

The Story Sad But True

 First I just give you the facts: In the Fall of 2012 I went to the  doctor which what I thought was good health.  I had no medication of any sorts. I discovered I had High blood pressure, diabetes, high chol. I went on a diet took my meds started walking, and things were looking up.  March 11,2013 I had a stroke.  It left me with weakness in my left side. I no longer have the limp or droopy mouth, but I still have problems with my memory, knitting, spelling and typing. While I was in the hospital they could not control my Blood pressure.  I was trying on the phone from my hospital bed to set up appointments for my aging father. He was very ill and his Doctor was not helping him.  (note my mother was blind with dementia and I am an only child)..Less than a month after my stroke dad was in the hospital and we found he had stomach cancer  Mom and dad moved in the house so I could care for them. I do not regret this. Dad had to be put on hospice. He could not bare a nursing home so I moved a hospital bed in my living room, and took care of him.  He died in my arms  October 23 early in the morning. 3 months later I lost my second mom my Aunt Mary then 2 weeks later on Christmas Eve we lost Ky. dad.  Less than a year my mom's heart starts to fail when nothing else can be done she ask to go home from the hospital. Once again I have a parent on hospice. Mom dies with my cheek next to hers May18, 2014.

 While my mom was sick I noticed my husband was not well.  I begged him to go to the Doctor he would not go .  When mom died I got my husband into the Doctor. He had stage 4 colon cancer. We have been fighting this for over a year. I have spent in Barnes Hospital a total of 3 months, sometimes in a cot sometime in the waiting room I did not leave him.  I have learned to change bags of all sorts, give shots, and change wound bandages ,and flush the drain tubes. At one point he had on 7 bags that meant cleaning care ,and flushing, recording, and measuring everything. He was paralized for awhile, and almost died several times.  We have made it this far my the Grace of God.  Next week he has more surgery for his lungs then the 3 round of chemo.  I have been knocked to my knees many times over the past 2 years BUT.

What has about broke me is my son has an inoperable brain tumor. It is vary dangerous where it is.  The Doctors are sending him to Barnes.  The DR. did not even feel he should even bioispy here. So we will not find out for awhile if it is cancer.  Even if it is not, they cannot take it out.  We are in the valley of the unknown now.  We just found out this week.  It is possible I could have a son and husband in surgery at Barnes at the same time.

 I use to pray for those poor people in need and now we are those poor people in need.  Truth when its your kid its the worse helpless feeling in the world hes only 44 with 3 kids and momma can't fix this. I am hitting a new low.  I just feel like nothing matters anymore. It seems everyone I hold the dearest are being taken from me.  I even think sometimes what have I done. I never say why me, but I just don't understand this.  I can't seem to pull myself together anymore, and what difference does anything make anyway.

Yes, I still belive, my faith is strong, but my understanding is gone.

To let you know this as well which I did not mention thinking it was foolish, but a week or so after mom died my 14 year old dog I love beyond what maybe I should have.  He died on my lap.  I am sick of death and bad news. Pray for me please cause my dears I can't hardly pray now. I can still send my love.

Its Going to snow., rain ,sleet ,and be windy. Bring it on.

 Usually my worst nightmare, bad weather and ........appointments usually important ones. Well my peeps the storm is coming and we have no appointments. We do have plenty of meds and food .....and my dears yarn. So bring it on.

Mike is doing fairly well he still has issues with the hook up, but nothing that is not normal.  Its a matter of time till he will get back to normal,  He is getting stronger.  He helped me with the trash and carried some groceries in this week. It just made me so happy to see him getting stronger. Its kind of like a glimpse at normal, Yeah normal.

This week I dropped off hoods for the cancer center. I also finished up my GD's blanket  that nan had started for her.  The border would have been different, but I did not have the yarn I needed and it does look fine in person. Had I had more black I would have made it wider, but honest its a monkey off my back, So very glad I got it done for her.  I thought of mom while making it and sometimes it made me rather melancholy.

I am looking for projects now and enjoying the process.  I am knitting a bib just for a lark.  I can always find homes for bibs. Babies are just cropping up all over....Its Spring I guess.

Well this is my update we are fine and I will call for the next set of appointments tomorrow. So it here we go again.  This should be the last operation.  Hugs my bugs  love sent.

I has a small black border if you can see it.

Things are going good

Mike has been released from his Dr. and we don't have to go back until August.  Now he has to be built up for the lung surgery in March then I believe all the surgeries will be done. And the Dr. things he is responding so well that another set of chemo should do it.  We are still on the journey, but I am seeing a break in the clouds.

Mike was going to get his haircut today by himself at the barber shop. First time in over a year. My DIL has been cutting it for him.  I think he just wanted to be out on his own. Made me so happy.  I am having a few normal days and they are scumpious.

I have been wore out so nothing big going on with me.   I did get me some Carmel vanilla ice cream for Valentines Day.  Yes I am my own sweetheart.  I did have a coupon....only 1/2 cup each day to prolong its yummy life.

Well I am a little shy of news here. Love to all my dears.

Back

 Mike had his surgery and all went well.  It is not a fun time for him but hes doing just fine.  He has only taken one pain pill.

We have another follow up next Tuesday.   Road Trip.

I am slowly crocheting more hoods.  I can't seem to do anything but sit and stare.  Toasted body, mind, and spirit it catches up with you sometimes.  I need a jump start.

Just a short update we are OK.  Never got to see Ann my friend.  I ask about her the day we arrived, but she was not on. Then the day we left I went to the desk and ask to leave her a message and she was there, but we were walking out the door.  I am unlucky.

So heads up buttercups have a great up coming week.

The Best of Times the Worst of Times

 Well be had the CT scan the 7th and the spots are smaller and the large spots are no bigger. This is the new plan: Preop January19, surgery January27 (re hook up),  a month off and surgery on the lungs, a rest then more chemo.  We have been at this for more than a year. This last bit of waiting to see if the smaller spots had spread got me down and out.  I didn't sleep for two days before the appointment. Its like it crashed on me all of it all at once.  We got good news so I am pulling myself up by my boot straps.  Mike just shut down thought I was going to loose him.  He just slept and ate what he wanted.....which was not enough. Hes back on the path and gained 14 lbs. I was raised to just stand up and be that person , and you know it took all I could this round to muster up to forge on.  I have gained so much weight... I cook he doesn't eat it and well I do.  I have got to stop that.

   Thank God I  have prayer and Faith. I have learned alot about about friends and family alike during this time.


Its all about me now.  Hair totally white ...I am loving it. Still knitting and crocheting cancer hats and about everything else that catches my eye.  Been sick, but better now.  Thanks to all that pray for us like I have said this before, but its true its no small thing.  Blessing my Dears

Merry Christmas My Dears

 Here is my forever Christmas card I put it up each year. I have explained this picture in a post  titled my 1950s Christmas and the next year was part 2. I remember this so clearly.

 I really don't feel like posting.  Everything  is on hold for us until Janurary 7th. Mike's Dr. said we are in a state of limbo. So there is no reason to update whats going on until I know something, and that will be Jan. 7th. I have been struggleing with it all.  I do request prayer.   I just don't want to think right now so if I am not asleep (which is more than I should) I am about doing busy work. Cancer hats...done ...more on needles...blanket half done....scarf on needles half done. Never in my life to I start a project and leave one unfinished. Seems I have developed a joy of starting things....honey sometime you get your joy where you can find it.  Sad to say excess eating seems to be a new habit as well. Well my lovelies hugs and may you have a blessed Christmas, and I truly mean that...love sent.

Sucker Punched

   Processing new information. Just can't blog right now will be back with up dates when I can. Our entire plan is is changing. You know when you sit in the doctors office and you are there just to get an appointment for the next stage when whamo sucker punched. Will post when I process this and find out the next step.
                                                  Until Till Then. Prayers please!!!!!

Sunday....pictures

  Some of my pictures I downloaded disappeared....of course they did.  Cancer hats.  I am making a mindless scarf for my son now.

Mike is about the same. This chemo round is really kept him down.  I have to remind myself to treat him like the man  he is, and not my little boy.  He is acting like a naughty little boy at times.  I have to follow thru on everything that he HAS to take or do.....some how he has it in his head things are optional.... you know if he did it yesterday  You mean today...again.  Yes sweetie today and everyday. I am the food, ostomy bag, medicine giver, fluid intake checker   Nazis. Be very afraid peeps I could be coming to a neighborhood near you. bahhahaha.

Leaves acorns love them hate them.. I am in over my head guess I will have to call someone to come help me.  I should take pictures they are knee deep in places.

Started thinking about Christmas. My DD will do Christmas dinner (God Bless her) her and her husband are wonderful cooks and their house is much larger than ours.  Presents will be money with one gift to open this year.  I think I will just put up mom's tiny tree. Next year we will be back in the saddle I hope.  If thing get worse I am going to buy and air freshener tree so I can just stick it on the wall someplace.  I will get Mike a belated gift ( a Henry rifle).   I don't know what hes getting me yet ..... I haven't made up my mind.  I kind of want yarn and I need a new stove (for a long time),but have you seen the new Dyson's. a little pricey, but I am so worth it hahahahaha.

   Well my dears... I am off to pay bills and think about supper. Bless each of you with joy and the spirit of kindness this week....wish it back.

Three Down Three To Go

 We are half done with chemo. Today I took the pump off...3 more times I have to do that . They all most didn't do the chemo this week .  Mike has been really sick...and cranky ( I understand).  He seems better this week even with the chemo.

Guess what, I am letting my hair grow out to kind of a silver. I never wanted to color my hair. Mike pitched a fit for me to, and my daughter begged me to keep it till she got married that was 2 years ago. So I am almost there with the grow out. You see in Mikes mind he remembers me with long black hair. It was almost blue black like my dad's and grandma's. I am not prissy about aging I am 66 years old and nothing is going to change that. My aging has never bothered me like my friends. I don't want to scare small children, but I don't want to look all dolled up like an aging whore either. Did I just say that oh well I will let it stand.

I am still making cancer hats wished  I could download pictures like I use to.  I am sure there is a way I just don't know how.

Next chemo visit and I am teaching the women there how to use circulars.  They are all excited and it makes our day go faster.

Well this year for Halloween I am going as a grandma....I let my hair grow out for it.  Mike is going as a chemo patient named chemo sobbie at least that's our story.

Got the leaves off the deck (twice), and you can't even tell it. 

Well Peeps going to pack it in and maybe finis a hat and a Klondike bar.  Happy Halloween my pretties and your little dogs to........and cats. 

Ups and Downs

 Mike is not feeling well.  I am not sure what is wrong.  We tend to blame everything on the chemo. He has been sleeping almost around the clock, vomiting, for awhile he had cramps in his side and arm......scared me, but that's gone now.  We have more chemo Monday....dread that. So all in all he is not feeling well and I am beside myself with worry.

News, well let me see. T was here Saturday and picked up the costume.  I do believe Mimi scored. My other set of grand kids may be here this weekend.  I have been knitting hats and attempted a new pattern I like very much. I also did a bedroom redo.  I like to find sweet deals and then decorate around them.  I got a really nice curtain for $5 and a duvet cover for 20. The Duvet cover set had shams, and a small pillow. I need to put the picture up, but I took it with my phone so maybe next time.  It looks nice and I covered up and ugly comforter to boot. Oh yes...Wal-Mart discount bin.

Leaves and acorns have taken over tomorrow is the big confrontation.  I never bought punkins or mums this year, and  I love doing Fall things.

I will tootle on to bed now I cannot watch the Cubs loose.  May you enjoy your week and be blessed without measure.

OH, yes after thought my friend nurse Ann did get her bag.  She thinks it was a gift to her but it was a gift for me for I focused on something I love to do for someone that wanted my kitchen stuff.....I have overloaded everyone else with it. So she was a victim and never knew it hahahaha.

Yes this is more than likely me.

. Hugs bugs

T's costume

 Here is the Harry Potter  sorting hat I made.  It was kind of aggravating. I have been doing mindless knitting.  When you stay with something for awhile then you start to wonder if it looks alright. He has the robe glasses and sorting hat now.

Still Doing Well

 Mike has had his first round of chemo and hes doing OK. Its chemo so doing OK is pretty darn good. I think the rash maybe coming back, but all in all hes taken this time rather well. Next chemo is October the 12th then the 13th we see Dr. Hunt. That is going to be an interesting week.

I  have made T a sorting hat from Harry Potter and got him the robe and glasses for Halloween. He has won first prize every year  for a total of 4 years. I always make or help him with  his costume. I would not think they would let him win again that would be to much....we just have fun hanging out him giving me ideas.

I am still on chemo caps. There are no men's hats in the basket at chemo. I felt bad about that. I am making a womans hat now. It is a roll brim. 
 My grandson wants one then I will start on the mens.

I have got to do something about the leaves and acorns. When you go on our deck its like roller skating. The leaves will just take over if I don't get on it.  That is so wonderful to have worries like that. Well kiddos will leave with a picture of me and my roll brim hat....keeping this one. Hugs Bugs

                                                         my roll brim hats

I got my Fisherman Back

 Mike went fishing today in our son' pond. He caught 7 nice size catfish and my son caught a big large mouth bass and  Kiera caught some bluegill and poor Noah caught a turtle.  I could not imagine this a month ago.  God is so good and Mike has come so far by His mercy. Monday it is back to Chemo. His last set we are hoping. Hes gaining weight and doing more each day.

Me,
well the blood pressure medicine that my Dr. doubled is making me so sleepy.  I can barely keep my eyes open. I am hoping my body will get use to it.  It has been a week now.  My house is screaming don't take it, don't take it. This week even if I have to tape my eyes open I am getting my house in order.

I am down to just 3 cancer hats and one on the needles. Its not cold yet so I have lots of time to replace the  ones I gave away.

You almost need an umbrella on our deck.  Acorns are coming down like a hail storm. The leaf battle is in sight.

My daughter made 50 sugarless punkin pies for her patience's that are diabetic. Last month she fixed sugar free cheese cake.  She is such a doll.  My DI L's are caring ares well. You can catch all my girls going around doing good. My boys  as well. I don't mean to leave them out......Blessed yes I am.

Will leave you with a funny. Mike sent this to me and said that was me the night we met. Funny guy.

Well it is so good to report wonderful news I would love to make that a habit. This week for me its more knitting, house cleaning, always cooking, and enjoying my life........I wish the joys of life for you.

Joy Pressed Down And Running Over!

 Yes buddy the wound vac is off.  Things are amazing now. Mike is doing more on his own. No more canisters to worry about not coming off (seriously my son even had a time getting it off). I have no bags to drain not one, and no flushing, no cleaning wounds. All we have left is the ostomy bag which is so doable.  My dears I feel like twirling.

Mike got his hearing aides back and had one turned up. I can now talk to my best friend without getting loud...loving it.  He drove for the first time the other day....hes loving that. We have been sitting on the deck more. He is staying awake more each day .  He is walking around better and talking about fishing.    Things are so much better.

Anyone that prayed for us thank you and I ask God to bless each one of you for your prayers. The prayers meant the world to me.  It was no small thing. I give God all the glory for bring us this far. Mike almost died twice and it was a bumpy road back.  WE still have a ways to go. Chemo starts back Sept 28th then more surgery later on, but tootsies we made it this far.

Me I am still on the chemo caps.  When I get this stack done it is on to finishing up the blanket mom left half finished. 

I must end this will a heartfelt thank you to everyone at Barnes. Dr. Hunt is the Best and the nurses are just wonderful. When it doubt go to Barnes.

I wish for you as much hope as I have this week instilled within my heart. 

Hugs bugs 

The Count Down is on.

 Maybe just maybe our Tuesdays at Barnes are ending. Don't get me wrong the nurses are precious and I love Dr. Hunt to death. Dr. Hunt is a really good surgeon, and a great guy, but I want my Tuesday back.  NO more wound vac.........what a relief for us.  The canisters are nearly impossible to get off, so its always a relief when they are changed.

We got our appointment last Tuesday at 9:00am and had to be there by 1:30pm......we made it. Dr. Hunt said maybe one more time. Then its chemo maybe some radiation and then TA DA reconnect. Its just so good to think about some kind of normal maybe a new normal, but this normal is trying.

Making Cancer hats got 5 done. They are serious hats. Made of part wool sooooo soft and will keep you plenty warm.   Hope Ann got her things. I haven't seen any of my nurses from the past hospital stays lately, but I think about them .  They were a bunch of sweeties.....well most.:)...there was this one, but she was not ours and we had to deal with her briefly thank God.

My lilac bushes died. Lets have a moment of silence.  My roses look horrible, and my Irises have been taken over by weeds. I have had no time for things like that.

This is my favorite time of year.  I went out to walk and almost needed my old sweater....yes buddy.


Well my dears I am off to feed my honey.....hes a tad cranky today.

Hugs and love sent ....catch it.